Sparks Ignites

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SPARKS BRIEF: Noem's Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Washington, DC – The canine nation is on high alert since the confirmation of Kristi Noem, former governor of South Dakota and dog assassin, as Secretary of Homeland Security. Noem has been on the Watch Dog’s List since it was revealed she took out her family dog, Cricket, for being “untrainable.” Thousands of dogs have banded together to provide security for “man’s best friend.” In NJ, the newly formed Proud Puppies have taken to dog parks and playgrounds to provide armed protection to the now vulnerable pets. “We purchased an AR-15 for our Rottweiler, Mr. Doddles, so he could join the Proud Puppies,” Alberta Alpo told reporters. “Dogs all over the state are standing at attention to ensure their security and protect from possible deportation.” Cesar Salado, a professional dog interpreter, has volunteered to speak for the dog militias forming across the country. Salado has been in close contact with the performers of Señor Pepe’s Chihuahua Circus. The Texas Terriers have been wor...

Resolute about Resolutions

Resolution, Resolution, Resolution! It’s that mid-holiday period when people feel the need to come up with a resolution for the new year. This year they’ll eat healthier, read more books, spend more family time, be savvier with finances, not wear their pajamas in public, shoplift less, stop selling organs on the black market, etc. It’s all a head game. Every day is an opportunity to make a change, but for some reason we like to make an official declaration on January 1. We’re given 365 days to decide what we need to work on and it has to begin after the ball drops. A friend said she was eliminating carbs in 2024. In February she accidentally ate a crouton. The tiny, dried piece of bread sent her into a shame spiral. In despair, she opened a Door Dash account and ordered Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, Panera Bread, Dunkin and Crumbl cookies. Her resolution for 2025 is to lose 100 pounds, and once again, cut out carbs. Compounding resolutions is never a good trend. Stick to one thing. By...

What's Up With Hanukkah?

I was raised in a Catholic household, so what did I know from Hannukah? In my elementary school brain, it was the Jewish equivalent of Christmas. I didn’t know about holiday traditions evolving over time. For me, the manger in Bethlehem was decked out with a tree, inflatable Santa decorations, live animals, angels on high, the Three Kings, the seven fishes, and a big piñata. There was inclusiveness in 6 BC. Let the choir sing— Away in a Silent Night Christmas Bells are Ringing Feliz Navidad . I grew up learning about the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary, Noah and the Easter Bunny. I also knew the Ten Commandments and that Moses, with his burning bush, traveled to the Planet of the Apes after he led his people out of slavery. As a child, there weren’t Jewish families in my neighborhood. Esther Appelbaum and Sidney Finegold were in my class but they lived across town. While I was schlepping my way to school every day Esther was dropped off by a Linc...

SPARKS BRIEF: Category 5 insanity

Washington, DC - Watch out for a series of Category 5 hurricanes headed for battleground states on election day—November 5.This is what Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert have been telling their colleagues in the US House of Representatives. It seems Greene, a far-right politician, conspiracy theorist and part-time hostess at Cracker Barrel, believes that the federal government is controlling the weather. “The weather is being manipulated by Biden to stop voting in swing states on election day,” Greene told a reporter from Daily Conspirator . “All he needs to do is call the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) and the space lasers are fired up,” Greene explained. “They can take a squall and turn it into a giant hurricane in a matter of seconds.” “The Jewish Space Lasers are able to direct the hurricanes wherever the radical liberals want them to go,” said Lauren Boebert U.S. Representative and a cohort of Greene. Greene and Boebert held a pres...

SPARKS BRIEF: RFK Jr. Tells a Whales Tail

Cape Cod, MA – As Robert Kennedy Jr. stumps across the country for Trump, another controversy has arisen concerning the former third-party candidate for president. In a speech at Barney’s Bait and Tackle in Nantucket Massachusetts, Kennedy admitted he was responsible for a beached humped back whale on the coast of Cape Cod in 2019. Kennedy told a group of MAGA fishermen that he wanted to finally clear his record after the Central Park bear incident. Known for his conspiracy theories and appetite for wildlife, Kennedy shared that the 40-ton whale discovered on South Clam Chowder Beach was too big to put in the back of his Jeep Cherokee. “I was out in the bay with my best friend, Dingley Bigglesworth, when we ran aground on the whale’s blowhole,” Kennedy explained. “By the time old Dingley could move the small outboard motor boat, the whale had suffocated.” Kennedy went on to explain as the huge mammal floated toward the shore, he asked Bigglesworth to push it onto the beach. “This...

SPARKS BRIEF: Pets in a Panic!!

Philadelphia, PA – Millions of pet owners woke up this morning to empty dog and cat beds. This follows Trump’s announcement, during the presidential debate, that Haitian immigrants are eating people’s pets. Now, scores of four-legged fugitives are trying to escape the crockpot. Peter Pawson, manager of the Pup & Puss Hotline, said they’ve received thousands of calls concerning missing pets. “Not only are the pets gone so are their beds, toys and food. This is happening across the country not just in Springfield, Ohio. We've had reports of a Mastiff stealing its owner's car in Alabama and an encampment of dogs playing poker in the New York subway. “Miss Muffy left and took her kitty condo, all her Fancy Feast® and basket of her catnip squeaky toys,” Eileen Leasher from Pasadena, California told Pawson. “She scratched out a note but I’ll need Cesar Millan to interpret it.” “My Pomeranian, Sugar Pie, took her four puppies, and my Louis Vuitton luggage and headed for the hills,...