Musings on Depression

The following four posts were written over the course of four days. 

They are a reflection of living with and inside depression.

Disappear

I wish that I could disappear

just slowly melt away.

Exist outside the cold

harsh world, amidst the night and day.

My soul’s to weak to hold the flesh.

I’ve shed it off in fear.

Weaving through the periphery

I’ll leave a smile, a tear.

I’ll leave a faint impression,

like letters etched in glass.

You might just recollect my face,

but the image will not last.

Weaving like the evening mist

that spreads across the ground,

I’ll melt into your memories,

though I’ll barely be around.

I want to just evaporate.

My misery dissolve like steam.

I’ll fall so ever peacefully,

Deep inside a dream.

My body – My Prison

  

A little man lives inside my head

Of that I know for sure.

He yells and screams and brings me pain

And then he yells some more.

His words of hate and loathing

Make me feel so small.

They bend me and they twist and

And I curl into a ball.

He takes his hands and pounds

My heart and makes sure that it hurts.

Then with his shoe, he takes the heel

And grinds it in the dirt.

My body’s like a prison.

Where he controls each cell

His propaganda paints the walls

And turns my thoughts to hell.

He demands complete attention.

There’s no one else I hear

He rules with intimidation

He causes doubt and fear.

I try to make him vacate

To unlock the bars inside

But he is sly and clever

And knows just where to hide

Sometimes he will decide to rest

And falls into a sleep

I bring the knives to to cut him lose

But his grasp goes very deep

I try so hard to silence him

To set this demon free

But he feels the push and awakens

And then turns the knives on me.

When Darkness Comes

   

When you’re pulled into the the darkness how do you find the light?

The walls close in and the air becomes heavy.

Your lungs strain against your chest and your heart pounds.

Anxiety takes over. You try to take a deep breath. 

You can’t – there’s no air.

There has to be a way out. You search for a sliver of light. 

You want to find an exit.

Your hands grasp for something secure. 

You swim in the absence of color.

There’s no sense of time and space. You’re isolated and alone. Close your eyes and hear the voice in your head.

The voice comes from the darkness. It’s seductive and persuasive. It wants you to listen only to its whispers of hopelessness and failure.

It’s irrational and to drown it out, you must search for the rational.

You stumble in the dark. Where is the rational voice to guide you? It’s weak and barely audible, but it exists.

Listen for it. Let it grow louder until it cracks an opening in the dark that surrounds you.

You’ll see a light. Your lungs will expand and you can exhale what is toxic.

There is illumination and color. You’re in a new space, and the walls open.

Enjoy the moments of clarity. They are brilliant. 

You’ll feel related and deserving of love.

Cling to these rooms of warmth and light. 

Remain as long as you can.

One day you’ll stumble and that dark presence will emerge from the shadows.

It will reach out and embrace you like a lover. It will whisper into your ear, and pull you into the darkness once again.

 

Stigma

Now you will think less of me,

Since I have exposed a truth.

You’ll think that I’m the weaker one.

All my ramblings are uncouth.

You’ll start to turn away, and

Whisper in other’s ears.

It’s not that I have changed at all

Your judgment’s based on fears.

I’ve erased away the closeness.

There’ll just exist a void.

You’ll see me in diminished light.

It’s fine to be dismissive and annoyed.

Isn’t it all just drama,

can it really be so grim?

A real man controls his emotions, so buck up,

Raise your chin.

It’s not like it is cancer.

A disease that we can see.

No valid illness inside the head.

That’s all “crazy” talk to me.

To you I am a stranger now,

An avoidable enigma.

It’s not up to you to change the view,

Just carry on the stigma.