I believe I was born with social anxiety. I know we are supposed to think we’re born with a clean slate, but my slate had a few smudge marks. Probably my first thought after delivery was, “Everyone is looking at me. OMG I’m naked in a room of strangers. Hey, someone get a diaper over here. Don’t look at my folds and creases. God, already I need the Beverly Hills Nursery Diet.” I had tiny baby hands and you know what that means.
That voice in my head
started talking and the twenty-four-hour broadcast began. You understand what
I’m talking about, because everyone has that internal voice going on
constantly. Usually if you’re not affected by an anxiety disorder or depression,
your inner voice lives with you in a pretty healthy relationship. It reminds
you to get dressed in the morning, to get to work on time, to feel good about
your daily achievements, and it tucks you into bed at night with positive words
for the new day ahead.
If you have anxiety or
depression the voice is completely different. In fact, most of the time the
voice Is a nasty enemy that just wants to berate you and tell you how worthless
and meaningless you are. It’s a voice that constantly judges you and wants to
vote you off the island. It’s like you’re a designer on Project Runway who failed
miserably with the recyclable bag challenge. You’re stumbling down the catwalk
of shame and everyone is thinking that outfit is trash.
The dilemma is that there isn’t really a horrible critic – it’s only the voice in your head that dominates you. My analogy to anxiety and depression is your head is an apartment complex where all the tenants hate the landlord. They moved in without your permission and you can’t evict them. There is a constant fight as they tear your property apart, and you start to believe you are a faulty construction.
Growing up I was often
called shy, introverted or aloof. People who don’t know what’s occurring inside
your head, can see you as being narcissistic. You appear to them concerned with
your appearance, haughty or better than, but it is just the opposite. Inside, the
voice is telling you everyone is staring at you because you don’t fit in, don’t
look right, don’t act right; you have some type of social flaw.
At one time, I began to
think I was a narcissist. A friend would kid me about always staring in mirrors
to look at myself, but I never reveled in my appearance. I was consistently
finding fault and hoping someday I’d look and find something to like. That’s
where the difference exists between anxiety and narcissism. The narcissist
thinks he or she is perfectly great they way they are; the socially anxious
think they are never good enough. You feel anxious because of the voice that
drones at you. “They’re looking at you and finding you lacking. You’re too fat,
too skinny, too ugly, too awkward and should avoid the public.”
Anxiety makes you want to
avoid social situations, because that is where the voice is loudest. It is much
better to remove yourself than to feel your heart rate increase, your body
start to sweat and your brain go into overwhelm. Panic attacks are frightening.
Everything seems to be closing in on you and your view is from a fisheye lens
with everyone looming.
Why would anyone want to put
themselves through that? For me airports, public transportation and crowded
shopping malls are places I try to avoid. When the anxiety starts and the voice
begins its attack, I feel the need to escape, or I get aggressive trying to find
some power in the situation. Telling someone to “get the hell out of the way,”
never works as a crowd pleaser.
There’s also indirect aggression
with a death stare. I’ve thrown more daggers than a sideshow act, and I have
great aim. There’s no positivity in this and you’re left feeling defeated. The
voice has won. You’re in that downward spiral that it loves to draw you into.
It’s exhausting to have a nonstop
soundtrack of negativity inside your head. You become a petulant actor trying
to hide the turmoil inside. There are brief periods when the voice can be
quieted and those moments are glorious. These are times when you’re with people
you love and in places where you find comfort.
There are ways to stop
believing the enemy inside and to lessen the anxiety that builds. There is therapy,
medication, and coping skills like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Helping
one to cope with unhelpful thinking and behavior is the goal of CBT. It’s about
silencing the irrational voice and finding a more rational one. It’s not an
easy thing to do. If you’re enemy has become deeply rooted in your psyche, it
is a fight to rip it out. It takes practice, commitment and realization that
you don’t have to do it alone.
Every time I sit down to
write, my voice tells me that I’ll never be a writer. I have no talent and no
one wants to hear what I have to say. There are times where it stops my thought
process and paralyzes my fingers. I have learned to be persistent and not let
that voice overrule my reality. I’ve been published and have received praise
for my words. Each action forward diminishes those thoughts. “Shut up voice,
you’re the one without any talent. You’re afraid my success will shut you up.”
There’s still stigma with
mental health issues, and people find it difficult to discuss. I have written
about the stigma of mental health, and I still stigmatize myself. There are
days when the nasty voice is at full volume and I hate myself. I need to find
reason, and know that it’s the illness affecting me. I need to think of it
rationally and ask “would I hate myself if I had diabetes?” They’re both
illnesses, so why should it be any different?
By sharing my personal struggle,
I’m working to expel the shame that I still carry. I can use my real voice to
combat the crippling internal one. I want to promote understanding and provide
education. I want people who deal with anxiety and depression to know the cruel
nasty voice inhabits millions of us. Only when we share and become vocal can we
diminish the voice inside.
I acknowledge and thank you for sharing this, Vince. So many folks need to read this. So true that it's an illness that needs to discussed just like diabetes or heart disease. You help people to stop the stigma and shame by writing about it.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment. I appreciate your acknowledgment. I certainly hope I can help others by sharing my story.
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ReplyDeleteThank you Vince! You ARE a good writer! Don't listen to your inner voice. You have the ability to put the things I too am feeling into words; you're helping others. Please keep it up!
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