Sparks Ignites

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the White House  the Impeachment Trial is looming for the lyin’, orange louse. Don Jr. is saying “No Quid Pro Quo” like the rest. Melania’s locked in her bedroom, telling everyone Be Best. Ivanka’s stuffing stockings with her cheap knock-off shoes, while Rudy’s yelling Biden dirt, with his nose glowing from booze. Kelly Conway is stoking the flames of hate,  while Eric in his onesie hopes Santa’s not late. When out on the South Lawn there arose such a clatter, the Secret Service rushed to see what was the matter. Taking proper precautions, safety’s always chancy, House Dems were on the grounds with their leader Nancy. They held tight in their fists the Impeachment Articles – two, It’s Donnie’s gift for his behavior. The Constitutional thing to do. “Come out of the Oval Office and surrender yourself. We know of your corruption from the whistleblower - Elf on the Shelf.” They yelled, sh...

New York, NY – Consumers spend billions of dollars every year to give themselves and others a Merry Christmas. Although the largest percentage of money is for gift giving, a substantial amount goes to decorations, food and other holiday-themed products. Manufacturers have seen how the Pumpkin Spice craze has infiltrated the market during the Fall. Companies sell everything from cereal to shower gel featuring our favorite orange squash.  Many manufacturers who lagged behind in featuring pumpkin products are making the foray into the profit-rich winter holiday season.  Thomas Linebottom, President of the National Manufacturers Association reported, “The success of Hallmark holiday movies has made consumers eager to surround themselves with everything Christmas. Research has shown that any product with a holiday theme will increase profits by 75% and make us see silver and gold.” The Association’s issued a list of new products aimed at making the season more fe...

I don’t do well at airports. There’s complete system overload just to get from point A to B. My official travel preparation begins with dirty martinis and Xanax. I’ve diagnosed myself with  Air Travel Hysteria. As soon as I drag my suitcase to the check-in line, I question my decision to travel.  Why do I want to be propelled to 35,000 feet in an aluminum tube? I’m feeling extreme pressure already and I’m going to enter a pressurized cabin. I’ve seen coke cans spring a leak in better conditions.  Oh God, will my luggage tip the scale like the Biggest Loser who’s binged on Twinkies? I cheer it on and smile proudly when it’s under the weight restriction. With a tear in my eye, I watch my new hard-shell beauty disappear into the black hole of baggage handling.  Will it be there when I reach my destination? Images flash in my mind of me standing in LAX, while my lonely boxer briefs are circling the baggage carousel in Poughkeepsie. When it does g...