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SPARKS BRIEF: Santos Lies Are Out of This World

 


Washington, D.C. -  Congressman, George Santos, stunned reporters this morning at a press conference, held at the Motel 6 Washington, DC - Convention Center, when he admitted to lying to the country and his constituents in the 3rd District of New York. 

 

Santos entered the room wearing white pants and a white bed sheet, wrapped around his torso. It was held together with a brown belt and he carried a florescent light tube. “I’ve had to make up many stories to protect this country and the entire world.” He told a room packed with news correspondents.

 

“At last, I can reveal the truth. My real name is George Lucas Skytos. I’m a Jedish Knight sent here from another galaxy, far, far away. I’m here to save this planet,” Santos said. 

 

He explained that he was told to create a false identity by his father, the Supreme Leader of the Empire— Darth Donald. 

 

“I’ve posed incognito as a graduate of Baruch College and NYU, a star volleyball player, a Wall Street guru, a Jewish/Catholic gay man whose grandparents survived the Holocaust, a son who lost his mother due to the 9/11 attacks, a Brazilian drag queen, an actor on Hannah Montana, a Broadway producer, a journalist in Brazil and the target of an assassination attempt. This morning, I received an urgent message this morning from my sister Princess Leianka which has forced me to be honest

 

“At this very moment hundreds of rebel forces are headed toward earth to take control of the world. They will bring back Roe v. Wade, install more transgender bathrooms, recharge Jewish space lasers, and make healthcare universal,” he told the snickering group of media professionals. 

 

According, to the liar formerly known as Santos, the rebel forces are being led by Obi-Wan Pelosi. “She’s a ruthless, villain from the planet Democratron.”

 

Corky Collins from CNM told Santos, his explanation was just a twisted version of the film Star Wars. 

 

“There are no stars at war. The war will be waged here if we don’t allow the rise of the empire,” he replied. To prove the validity of his breaking news, Santos said his father Darth had traveled at a very warped speed from Mar-a-Lagobah to address the reporters.

 

In a cloud of mist, from a sputtering dry ice machine, Darth Donald entered the room looking strangely familiar in a black suit with a floor length cape and an orange MAGA helmet. The helmet covered his entire face. It featured sunglasses, and a mouth grill shaped like a dollar sign.

 

“My greatest son Lucas and my beautiful daughter/wife Leianka, came here to prepare the way for me. My other spawn, Junior and the dumb one are worthless,” Darth wheezed. “I alone can create an empire that I will rule with ultimate authority until I die, which probably will never happen because I have superior genes.” 

 

“Why should any world leader give you control of their country?” Fox Schnitzel, UNN correspondent asked Darth.

 

“I’ve already had an empire stolen from me in a very rigged coup. I’m destined to be the world ruler, because I have the biggest brain and I’m the smartest Darth in the galaxy. I’m so handsome underneath this helmet, if I took it off your heads would explode.”

 

Barbara Watusi from RIP stated, “All these claims are outlandish. Santos is a confirmed liar and under that orange helmet you are too.”

 

“If you don’t believe me or Lucas, you can confirm our story with the prophet and legal Jedish Master— Guilioda. He can be reached on his planet of Lunatoon.” 

 

All the correspondents rose to ask questions but were silenced by Santos. “The earth is in imminent danger. All your questions could be answered at another time. I must return to the House of Representatives to consult with Kevin the Hut and Marjorie Taylor Grievous concerning a plan of attack.”

 

Santos raised his florescent light tube toward the ceiling, “We will defeat the Far-Left Rebels led by Obi-Wan Pelosi and build an empire, or my name isn’t George Lucas Skytos”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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