SPARKS BRIEF: Trump Creates a Movement Wearing Depends

Palm Beach, FL – After receiving pressure from donors for using campaign money to fund his legal bills, TRUMP told affiliated PACs he’s saving dollars by using his stock of Depends® to protect his ear.

“My Depends® are the best Depends®. They’re specially manufactured in the same location where my beautiful Trump Bibles are printed. They’re the highest quality adult diapers — all made from hand-picked cotton at my plantation – Trump Tara.No one has ever seen anything like them,” Trump said.

He went on to report, “Every pair has the eleventh commandment embossed on the back. Most people don’t know there is an eleventh commandment. But there is and it's’ beautiful. God spoke to me during my witch hunt trial and said ‘Donald, Thou Shall Not Soil Thy Clothes.’ Isn’t that so fantastic. It was like Moses and the burning bush except mine was a spicy burrito in the men’s room.”

VP candidate, J.D. Vance, was given his first official task during the campaign. He’s in charge of cutting the adult diapers into ear-sized bandages.

Trump’s initial bandage was placed in a climate-controlled display case which will move to the official Trump Presidential Library at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

“I’m using a beautiful golden Trump ruler and special scissors used to shred Roe V. Wade. This is God’s work. With every bandage I create, I’m reminded of the eleventh commandment and I think, cleanliness is next to the absorbent outer layer,” Vance told Tucker Carlson on a podcast from a Waffle House in Pettiness, AL.

Sources say Trump has a stockpile of the senior undergarments stored next to boxes of classified documents in Mar-a-Lago’s bathrooms.

MAGA supporters have begun to bring Pampers® to rallies and throw them on stage. “You’re my beautiful people. All my people are the best, even my African American. I love you from the bottom of my eleventh commandment,” he told the crowd.

Senior senators Mitch McConnell and Chuck Grassley have also sent a shipment of their Depends® to FL. Sources say Trump will wear his bandage as a badge of honor through election day.

Campaign official, Kurt Cultfellow, said they are requesting donations cease, since storage is limited due to the amount of top-secret files already overflowing next to gold toilets.

Cultfellow said, “We’ve scheduled a campaign stop in Puerto Rico where Trump will throw the incontinence couture at geriatric attendees. That’s how we like our voters filled with patriotic pride and a full diaper.”

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