Sparks Ignites

  With the new school year starting, Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis wants to bring back 18 th  century education to universities and colleges. In a speech delivered a few months ago, from atop his personal boot hill, the governor stated he wanted to see “ a classical education similar to what our Founding Fathers had when they went to universities. ” “Course curriculum and student life is changing drastically for the 2024-25 academic years. Thanks to DeSantis’s look backward thinking,” said Heidi Haverford, spokesperson for the University of South Beach. “We’re going to see students in powdered hair extensions and fraternities holding wooden keg parties.” The universities turning back the clock to Thomas Jefferson’s freshman year will offer courses applicable to the time of smallpox and wooden teeth. “Freshman students will be able to study: The Art of Dentistry (using farm tools for extractions), Livestock Veterinarian (how to shoe a horse or choke a chicken), Village Doctori...

Washington, D.C. – It’s reported that Republican vice-presidential candidate, J.D. Vance, is wearing eye liner at all his campaign appearances. MAGA rally attendees are swooning over how his eyes pop at the podium.    “He’s a right good-looking fella,” said Polly Carbon, a staunch MAGA supporter. “His eyes are blue pools I could belly flop into.”   A Trump campaign insider told sources, “Vance might be coughing up a hairball in his stump speeches but those hillbilly eyes don’t lie.”    “Political theater has been taken to a whole new level in Trump‘s Republican party. The smoke and mirrors of 2020 have been replaced by mascara and blush,” said democratic strategist, Apostrophela Harrison.   A new cosmetic company, MAGA-MAC, is manufacturing makeup and skin care for conservatives who care about the look but not the substance.    “I’ve learned that Elon Musk has privately funded the face paint for phonies. He’s gone from Tesla to T-Zone,” said Harri...