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SPARKS BRIEF: Color Me Conservative


Washington, D.C. – It’s reported that Republican vice-presidential candidate, J.D. Vance, is wearing eye liner at all his campaign appearances. MAGA rally attendees are swooning over how his eyes pop at the podium. 

 

“He’s a right good-looking fella,” said Polly Carbon, a staunch MAGA supporter. “His eyes are blue pools I could belly flop into.”

 

A Trump campaign insider told sources, “Vance might be coughing up a hairball in his stump speeches but those hillbilly eyes don’t lie.” 

 

“Political theater has been taken to a whole new level in Trump‘s Republican party. The smoke and mirrors of 2020 have been replaced by mascara and blush,” said democratic strategist, Apostrophela Harrison.

 

A new cosmetic company, MAGA-MAC, is manufacturing makeup and skin care for conservatives who care about the look but not the substance. 

 

“I’ve learned that Elon Musk has privately funded the face paint for phonies. He’s gone from Tesla to T-Zone,” said Harrison. 

 

MAGA-MAC spokesperson, Kaylay Mac N Cheesy, reported, “It’s time to show what strong, vibrant politicians make the foundations of our leadership.”

 

The MAGA-MAC collections feature products for every branch of government. Some of the top lines were formulated for the Capitol to the Supreme Court:

 

Donald Dictator: Tangerine Terror Tanning Spray – Wear an authoritarian orange glow to clash with your knee length tie.

 

Trump No. 34 – The fragrance of felony, narcissism and KFC. 

 

JD Weirdo: Appalachian Eyeliner in Coal Miner Black – Throw shade with dusky cat eyes.

 

“Mitch… Please!”: Jowl Firming Cream – Formulated from Turtle Wax and the tears of constituents. Shove that unsightly neckline back into its shell with a dollop every evening.

 

Holier-Than-Thou Johnson: Playing to the Base Primer in Bigot Beige – Cover your hatred and phobias with a thin veneer of supremacy.

 

Glamorous Gaetz: Matte Finish Brow Contour – Raise your eyebrows and hopefully the age of your sexual conquests when you alter your face. (Bully Pulpit Botox should be used with this product for a jaw-dropping look.)

 

Rudy Rinse In: Mayoral Mane in Disbarred Brunette. Wash away the gray and the truth. A new non-fading formula will prevent leaky sideburns. Melting hair only provides minimal sympathy in bankruptcy court. 

 

On the Take Thomas: Oiling the Wheels of Justice Scalp Treatment – Leaves your hair soft and smooth as you travel in luxury on private planes and yachts. You’ll feel like the million bucks that just snuck into your bank account. 

 

My Little Marjorie: Lunatic Lip Gloss – The Laser Light Color Collection, featuring Fossil Fuel Fuchsia and Conspiracy Coral. Keep your lips sealed and your I.Q. hidden.  

 

Bawdy Boebert: Indiscrete Hand Lotion – Keep your wandering hands baby bottom smooth. You don’t have to be in a theater seeing “Grease” to do the hand jive any,  musical will do. 

 

“More products are being developed for sale, through inauguration day, when Trump will carry his makeup bag into the White House,” said Mac N Cheesy. “The Alt-Right cosmetics will be sold in Ulta for state and local political races.”

 

“The right-wing extremists might be anti-transgender and anti-LGBTQIA+, but there’s more eyeliner, eye shadow and pancake makeup than at a Drag Queen Story Hour,” Harrison said. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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