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SPARKS BRIEF: DeSanitizing Education in the Sunshine State


 

With the new school year starting, Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis wants to bring back 18th century education to universities and colleges. In a speech delivered a few months ago, from atop his personal boot hill, the governor stated he wanted to see “a classical education similar to what our Founding Fathers had when they went to universities.”


“Course curriculum and student life is changing drastically for the 2024-25 academic years. Thanks to DeSantis’s look backward thinking,” said Heidi Haverford, spokesperson for the University of South Beach. “We’re going to see students in powdered hair extensions and fraternities holding wooden keg parties.”


The universities turning back the clock to Thomas Jefferson’s freshman year will offer courses applicable to the time of smallpox and wooden teeth.


“Freshman students will be able to study: The Art of Dentistry (using farm tools for extractions), Livestock Veterinarian (how to shoe a horse or choke a chicken), Village Doctoring (how to cure common cholera with leeches), Tailoring (making a purse out of a sow’s ear) and The King’s Law (defending village idiots and witches),” Haverford reported.


Incoming freshman student, Thomas J. Franklin, said he plans to study The King’s Law. “After graduation, I’m moving to D.C. to set-up Ye Old Law Firm. There are many feeble-minded seniors lurking in the halls of Congress.”


Most state conservatives align with DeSantis and his reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic education policies. “We’re getting rid of woke and bringing in coma,” said Julie McDunceCap, Dean of Students at Key West Community College.


With the removal of banned books, across the state, libraries have been gutted. Books that have been removed are being replaced by MAGA-Zines. A few of the offenders and their replacements are:

 

·      The Color Purple to The Color Orange

·      The Catcher in the Rye to Catch Her and Kill in the Enquirer 

·      The Handmaid’s Tale to Project 2025

·      Captain Underpants to President Depends

·      The Diary of Anne Frank to The Diary of Ann Coulter 

·      James and the Giant Peach to Donny and the Giant Rally Crowd

·      All’s Quiet on the Western Front to All’s Quiet in Melania’s West Wing 

 

A librarian in Tampon Springs reported that her library only has restaurant menus on its formerly stocked shelves. “It’s A Farwell to Arms and hello to Cracker Barrel."


“Public and school libraries have become a wasteland for anyone seeking knowledge,” said Molly Mensa, founder and spokesperson for Floridians Against Remedial Training (F.A.R.T).


Mensa, along with liberal educators across the state have developed a new curriculum, known as the F.A.R.T. agenda, for students who seek a proper, diverse education. “We want our children able to apply at Ivy League schools not just training programs at Walmart or SeaWorld,” Mensa said.


DeSantis has prohibited any public schools from adopting the special classes. “Private schools are even hesitant to allow their teachers to F.A.R.T. due to threatened political backlash,” Mensa said. 


A source reported that Mensa is working with top management at Disney World to provide learning space for the students of the progressive group and educational program.


“We have thousands of new F.A.R.T. chapters exploding across the state,” said Stan Socrates, teacher and Outreach Officer. 


Mensa told reporters, “Students are invited to Orlando to attend private instruction somewhere hidden in the Magic Kingdom. The Haunted Mansion has many rooms and who knows where education is lurking." 


“Receiving a Mickey Mouse education will now be the best Florida can offer,” said Socrates.  

 

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