SPARKS BRIEF: RFK Jr. Tells a Whales Tail

Cape Cod, MA – As Robert Kennedy Jr. stumps across the country for Trump, another controversy has arisen concerning the former third-party candidate for president.

In a speech at Barney’s Bait and Tackle in Nantucket Massachusetts, Kennedy admitted he was responsible for a beached humped back whale on the coast of Cape Cod in 2019.

Kennedy told a group of MAGA fishermen that he wanted to finally clear his record after the Central Park bear incident. Known for his conspiracy theories and appetite for wildlife, Kennedy shared that the 40-ton whale discovered on South Clam Chowder Beach was too big to put in the back of his Jeep Cherokee.

“I was out in the bay with my best friend, Dingley Bigglesworth, when we ran aground on the whale’s blowhole,” Kennedy explained. “By the time old Dingley could move the small outboard motor boat, the whale had suffocated.”

Kennedy went on to explain as the huge mammal floated toward the shore, he asked Bigglesworth to push it onto the beach.

“This was a great opportunity to pack my freezer with enough meat to last through years of whale bakes,” Kennedy told shocked fisherman.

Bigglesworth did not have a chainsaw in his truck to filet the whale. Both men were able to move the super-size meal from the shoreline to hide it.

“I returned later that night with my Swiss Army Knife and some spices to season my hump baked cuisine. The knife couldn’t cut into the skin, so I planned on borrowing a saw and come back the next day. The following morning officials discovered the whale so I couldn’t get my pounds of flesh,” Kennedy reported.

A team of marine biologists performed a necropsy on the hump back and found several suspicious items. “I discovered the female whale’s mouth was filled with rosemary and thyme and the body was sprinkled with Old Bay Seasoning,” Carl Ahab, Marine Mammalogist, said. “It was extremely disturbing that the whale appeared to be prepped for roasting.”

The unusual circumstances caught the attention of Clancy Drew, investigative reporter for the Cape Cod Times. “Death by suffocation is extremely rare for a whale. I knew this was no blow hole blunder.”

Drew spent days researching unusual situations where gophers, owls, squirrels and deer were missing body parts. “It appeared the carcasses that were found had been cut up butcher-style. Clearly, someone owned an Animal Planet cookbook,” Drew said.

According to Drew, as more facts were uncovered, RJK Jr. became a prime suspect since he was always vacationing at the Cape during the period of these unsavory incidents.

“I knew of Kennedy’s predilection for eating anything laying by the side of the road. But, with no concrete physical evidence, I only had my theory of the culprit,” Drew said. “Now that he’s shared the whale’s tail, I’m sure he’s the Sweeny Todd of the Cod.”

An undisclosed Kennedy family member told Drew, “We’ve known Robert has had an issue with dietary choices. Last year, he brought a peacock for Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say, he was asked to leave full cock.”

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issued a restraining order to keep him away from all species of animal and insect. “Even worms are now restricted from his brain,” said Honey Behr, wildlife officer.

“He’s not allowed to go into the woods alone, because the teddy bears might be having their picnic,” Behr explained.

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