Sparks Ignites

  Exotic all-inclusive vacations, like Sandals, are often geared toward young couples and honeymooners. Accommodations and activities are targeted to guests in their twenties to forties. Older couples like relaxing, tropical getaways too. “Baby boomers just wanna have fun.” What happens when you’ve reached retirement age and want to relax under a palm tree with your dentures floating in a piña colada? If you’re not very limber for limbo and you’re afraid you’ll lose your toupee on a jet ski, there is a solution. Escape on a Jazzy scooter to an Orthopedic Sandals Resort. Paradise with grab bars is just a mouse click away. Book an early-bird flight, and soon you’ll be stumbling across a white sand beach. At Orthopedic Sandals, you will enjoy all the amenities you expect with upgrades you won’t find at thong-wearing millennial locations. You’ll feel comfortable packing a cane, a CPAP, a walker, or a prosthetic. Resort life for seniors is our specialty. Extra-wide strolling pathways th...

  Washington, DC – The canine nation is on high alert since the confirmation of Kristi Noem, former governor of South Dakota and dog assassin, as Secretary of Homeland Security. Noem has been on the Watch Dog’s List since it was revealed she took out her family dog, Cricket, for being “untrainable.” Thousands of dogs have banded together to provide security for “man’s best friend.” In NJ, the newly formed Proud Puppies have taken to dog parks and playgrounds to provide armed protection to the now vulnerable pets. “We purchased an AR-15 for our Rottweiler, Mr. Doddles, so he could join the Proud Puppies,” Alberta Alpo told reporters. “Dogs all over the state are standing at attention to ensure their security and protect from possible deportation.” Cesar Salado, a professional dog interpreter, has volunteered to speak for the dog militias forming across the country. Salado has been in close contact with the performers of Señor Pepe’s Chihuahua Circus. The Texas Terriers have been wor...