A Vacation for the Ages

Exotic all-inclusive vacations, like Sandals, are often geared toward young couples and honeymooners. Accommodations and activities are targeted to guests in their twenties to forties. Older couples like relaxing, tropical getaways too. “Baby boomers just wanna have fun.”

What happens when you’ve reached retirement age and want to relax under a palm tree with your dentures floating in a piña colada? If you’re not very limber for limbo and you’re afraid you’ll lose your toupee on a jet ski, there is a solution.

Escape on a Jazzy scooter to an Orthopedic Sandals Resort. Paradise with grab bars is just a mouse click away. Book an early-bird flight, and soon you’ll be stumbling across a white sand beach. At Orthopedic Sandals, you will enjoy all the amenities you expect with upgrades you won’t find at thong-wearing millennial locations.

You’ll feel comfortable packing a cane, a CPAP, a walker, or a prosthetic. Resort life for seniors is our specialty. Extra-wide strolling pathways through lush tropical foliage will lead you and your durable medical equipment to an exciting bingo game or an invigorating Yoga with Gas-X session.

Special celebrations featuring DJs spinning hits from the 60s, 70s, and 80s are on our daily calendar. Get halfway down on it like an arthritic John Travolta from 12 to 2 PM. It might not be Saturday Night Fever, but at least it’s an afternoon heat rash. Be a maniac and enjoy the Hot Flashdance shower—“What a feeling!” Bright, glittery disco balls have been eliminated, so your cataracts won’t put a cramp in your hustle.

A lush buffet awaits you from 3 to 5 PM. Our chefs prepare dishes to suit anyone’s dietary needs and restrictions. Gluten-free, nut-free, fat-free, and taste-free are all available. Whether you can chew it or gum it—there’s something for you. After a delicious dessert of Baked Alaska or Jello with fruit cocktail, head over to our Pepto-Bismol and Mylanta fountains for a nightcap.

Before you turn in after a fun-filled adventure of a day, belly up to the pool bar. Don’t worry about swimming because our pools are a maximum of three feet deep. You can dip your corn pads and callus cushions into our salt water and reminisce about Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon.

There are no late-night parties at Orthopedic Sandals. You can be safely tucked in bed before the orange glow of a beautiful island sunset reaches your room. Turn-down service is included, and everyone receives an individually wrapped prune on their pillow. Extra-thick blackout curtains will block out the light, the soothing sound of waves lapping against the warm sands, and the exotic call of the island birds for all you light sleepers.

You’ll awake refreshed and regular to start a new exciting day. Paradise is only a reservation away. Our concierge agents are ready to assist you with a package that’s right for your pension, social security, or reverse mortgage.

Some reviews from satisfied Orthopedic Sandals vacationers:

Tina Cellulitis - “I loved reliving my disco days at Studio 54. The DJ kept the music at a level where I never had annoying feedback from my Miracle-Ear. DJ Jazzy played all the songs you know. With my titanium hip, I bumped the afternoon away.”

Sally Sciatica - “There was never a dull moment. I enjoyed attending special seminars and classes that were on a daily activities calendar. I attended a fascinating lecture on fashion tips when wearing Depends—Wrinkle or Crinkle, it Depends on You. Also, I learned to play a new game—Mahjong for Misfits: You Don’t Have to be Jewish to Touch the Tiles.

Patty Prolapse – “I’d recommend the first-rate shows my husband Harry and I saw. Just like they were on Broadway. He really enjoyed the musical about Vietnam, A Clockwork Agent Orange, and I was fascinated by the one-woman show about a first lady and her husband, Barbara, and her Bush.

Raymond Goiter – “This was a perfect vacation for people of a certain age. I won three wheelchair races and received free bowls of tapioca for dessert. I’m a very light sleeper, and when I expressed concern about the noisy parrots outside my room, they sent a pool attendant with blow darts to anesthetize them every night. The service was outstanding and accommodating. It proves that Easter Island isn’t the only island for old relics.”

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