Noem has been on the Watch Dog’s List since it was revealed she took out her family dog, Cricket, for being “untrainable.”
Thousands of dogs have banded together to provide security for “man’s best friend.” In NJ, the newly formed Proud Puppies have taken to dog parks and playgrounds to provide armed protection to the now vulnerable pets.
“We purchased an AR-15 for our Rottweiler, Mr. Doddles, so he could join the Proud Puppies,” Alberta Alpo told reporters. “Dogs all over the state are standing at attention to ensure their security and protect from possible deportation.”
Cesar Salado, a professional dog interpreter, has volunteered to speak for the dog militias forming across the country. Salado has been in close contact with the performers of Señor Pepe’s Chihuahua Circus.
The Texas Terriers have been working as security for the traveling show since Noem formed a new task force—Dog ICE. “Chihuahuas have been a target from ICE agents,” Salado said
“These little illegals carry Mexican fleas and jumping beans,” Noem told Dog ICE agents. “The ankle biters will be deported in packs.”
Also, several Mexican hairless circus employees are being tracked by ICE for arrest. Noem said their deformities are not welcome in this county.
A group of celebrity dogs, including Lassie, Benji, Toto, and very Old Yeller, have started a charitable organization, Fur for Friends. The charity will provide body toupees for hairless dogs or those stricken with mange.
A source told us that the San Antonio SPCA has offered sanctuary to Señor Pepe’s star performer—Chiquita Rosita Gonzalez.
“This three-pound beauty is an icon in her hometown of Tijuana. She’s the only member of our troupe who can tightrope walk on a strand of human hair and balance on a cocktail stirrer,” Pepe said. “Always the consummate professional, she’s never missed a performance. Even with kennel cough, she balanced and hacked her petite heart out.”
Noem has sought out Chiquita due to her celebrity status, canine activism, and her recent marriage to the great-grandson of Lassie. “Miss Kristi wants me deported since she found out I’m expecting a litter of baby perros. She wants me back in Tijuana before I give birth to anchor puppies,” Chiquita told Salado.
Laddy, Chiquita’s el esposo, has been working with Harriet, a black Lab, to form the Underground Leash—a network of safe hydrants that lead to freedom over the Canadian border.
An unofficial source said a plan for Chiquita to escape to Montreal hidden in a Hermès Birkin bag is underway.
Salado said this minuscule, mighty mutt will not go with her tiny tail between her legs or roll over and play dead. She is a hidden figure among dog freedom fighters.
Secretary Noem told reporters that when she was done with the Gonzalez case, there would be one less bitch in this country. CNN, CBS, MSNBC, and NPR correspondents cheered until they learned she meant Chiquita, not herself.
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